


the return of special agent jack bauer

by golden_geese



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Car rides, Dates, Gifts, M/M, and a dash of deetress, and there is very little plot, dumb flirting, ft. jealousy, it's basically just weaving their relationship into s5, mac and dennis accidentally start dating, mac and dennis were banging in season 5, these are all very short, we love and respect hugh honey and vic vinegar in this house
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-09-02 21:32:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16795141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/golden_geese/pseuds/golden_geese
Summary: nine macdennis fragments; a moment during or directly after each episode in s.5 leading up to "mac and dennis break up", ft. everyone's favorite junkyard cat. an insane deviation from glennjaminhow's request "mac and dennis get a cat".





	the return of special agent jack bauer

1.

“Do that for me. Okay, baby boy?”

Hands on his face. _Hands on his face_. Dennis’ long fingers against his cheeks. They’d gotten matching outfits, made a sign-- said out loud, forgetting that Frank was there, that they were each other’s perfect match. That they balanced each other out. And now-- hands on his face.

He avoids Dennis’ baby blues for a moment. But a moment is all he can stand-- he looks. He can smell Dennis. Cologne, coffee, aftershave, something else. 

It’s like a game. Making excuses, getting away from the gang, slipping off into the back room or Dennis’ car or the basement for a moment alone, coming back with disheveled hair and crooked shirts, breathless, with some excuse-- he’s already imagining ripping this mustard yellow blazer off Dennis’ wide shoulders. It’s been like this, magically, since the beginning of the new year. 2009 is all for them. 2009 is their free pass.

Be cool, he tells himself. 

“I just need you on my team, are you on my team?” Dennis asks, straightening Mac’s jacket.

“Yeah, I’m on your team,” he mumbles.

He puts on his Bad Realtor act. Tries not to notice how effortlessly cool Dennis is. Counts down the seconds until they can be alone. 

2.

“I cannot believe that kid stole Sweet Dee’s car. I mean, that’s hilarious,” Dennis says, smiling and laughing as they unlock the door to their apartment.

Mac laughs too. “Yeah, dude. Hilarious.”

“That road trip wasn’t even a total wash, you know? Like sure, we didn’t make it to the Grand Canyon, but we can go anytime.”

“Totally, man.”

Mac shuts the door behind them. Re-locks it. He’s head of security at Paddy’s, after all. That isn’t a role you just step in and out of.

Dennis takes him by the shoulders. Kisses him hard. Takes Mac completely off guard.

After a moment Dennis pulls away, a smirk tugging on his pink lips. He speaks, voice so quiet it’s just for Mac, low and almost gravelly-- “In fact-- we should go.”

“Totally,” Mac blurts out. 

(Dennis could have suggested they shave each other’s heads, or they buy a Burger King franchise, or they go punch the old lady next door, and Mac would have agreed. Dennis could have suggested trying to assassinate Chase Utley and Mac would have agreed.)

Mac stares into Dennis’ eyes. They’re sparkling. Starlight, chaos, infinity. 

“Just you and me,” Dennis says quieter. He trails his finger over Mac’s lips. “You and me in the Range Rover with a case of beer and some 80s music and the windows rolled down. How’s that sound?”

“Sounds perfect, Den,” he says, almost breathless.

“Really?” Dennis asks, tilting his head to the side, squinting a little, doing that thing where he pretends he didn’t know if Mac would say yes--

Mac grins. “Yeah. Fuck the gang. Let’s go. You and me.”

“If you want,” Dennis says bashfully.

Mac kisses him again. “First thing in the morning.”

“Aww… okay.”

“What?”

“You don’t wanna go now?”

“We can go now,” Mac agrees quickly.

“Are you sure?”

“Let’s do it, dude.”

“Okay. Great. Let’s go.” 

3.

Dave and Buster’s isn’t the most romantic location in the world, sure, but for some reason, it almost feels like it is to Mac. 

Another business lunch. They need to strategize, after all. They’re very important entrepreneurs. They have to keep coming up with new ways to make money and prove they’re better than everyone else.

They eat. They drink beer. They steal glances at each other. Tiny smiles. They pretend they didn’t just somehow both out-stupid each other at the same time with the Paddy’s dollars thing. They let their feet touch under the table.

Neither of them has spoken in a little while. It’s somehow not weird, though. Probably at this point, Mac thinks, _nothing_ could be weird between them. He sips his beer. Nothing will probably ever be weird between them ever again, he adds silently. Now that they’ve found the perfect balance between being friends and this whole sex/kissing/snuggling each other at night thing, nothing can ever be weird again. They have it perfectly figured out. He grins a little.

4.

Casually, Mac reaches for Dennis. Assumes Dennis will immediately accept the attention, since they’re alone and relaxing in front of the TV in their apartment and all that. But Dennis bats his hand away.

“Oh, come on, dude, what was that for?” Mac whines.

“You tried to bang my aunt,” Dennis says. 

“Come on, dude, I’m like, drunk on can wine, and I wanna bang _you_. I never actually wanted to bang your aunt. I was just bored. I needed somethin’ to do.”

Dennis shakes his head. “I’m not going to be the first person you bang after trying to bang my aunt, dude.”

“So if I go bang someone else you’ll bang me after?”

Dennis hesitates. His eyes change for a second. “Yes.” This is stupid and it completely defies logic and contradicts how he feels, but he’s dug himself into it, and he’s too drunk to think of a way out of it. Mac can read all of this in Dennis’ eyes and his tone of voice. He doesn’t know what to do with this information, though. He ignores it. 

“Who?” Mac asks, scratching the back of his neck.

“Do you think I give a shit?” Dennis huffs. “Whoever. The waitress. Carmen. Anyone as long as I’m not related to them.”

“Okay,” Mac says, sloppily standing up. “I’ll go bang the waitress. She’ll totally bang me if I tell her it’ll make you jealous.”

“Great,” Dennis says emotionlessly. 

Mac fumbles to put his shoes back on, knowing full well that he’s not going to try to bang the waitress, because, gross. He’ll just go wander around for a while. Maybe grab a beer.

He’s drunk, though, and he ends up forgetting where he’s going. His feet just kind of carry him to his mom’s place. He stops in to say hi; she barely seems to notice him, so he makes an excuse and leaves after a few minutes.

Wandering back toward his and Dennis’ building, passing by an alley, he sees movement out of the corner of his eye. Glances toward it instinctively. 

“Poppins! C’mere, buddy.” He grins, kneeling down to pet his dog. “How you been, dude? You smell terrible.”

He feels something rub against his other arm. Soft fur. A little startled, he turns-- “Agent Jack Bauer?” He asks, squinting at the cat before picking it up to get a better look. “Huh. Guess it makes sense you two found each other.”

He’s about to put the cat back down, but he pauses. Scratches the cat’s mangy ear.

“How’d you like to come back with me and see Dennis?” He asks the cat, though he’s already straightening up and heading home. Whatever. This is a good excuse-- he won’t even have to pretend he banged the waitress, he can just say he found the cat and got distracted. Not like Dennis probably expects Mac’s attention span to be any better than that.

“That was not enough time to get to the waitress’ house, bang her, and come back,” Dennis remarks as Mac lets himself in a little while later.

“Yeah, I didn’t make it to her place, ‘cause I ran into someone on the way,” Mac says, grinning. 

Dennis glances over from the couch-- and, just drunk enough that he can’t help it, his face lights up.

“Special Agent Jack Bauer!” Off the couch, through the living room, cornering Mac against the wall, Dennis scoops the cat out of Mac’s arms. “Aw man! You found him!”

Mac is about to reply, but then, very abruptly, he’s being kissed.

5.

They sit in Charlie’s apartment, the three of them arguing as Mac and Dennis try to make Charlie an online dating profile. Sitting next to Dennis, trying to tell Charlie how to date, Mac feels important. Like a grown-up in a grown-up relationship. Even though their relationship is kind of a secret and they kind of never verbally defined it.

(But, come on. It’s kissing and snuggling each other at night and sex and going on dates. It’s movie nights and dinners and acting superior to Charlie. It’s not nothing.)

“He seriously needs to get over the waitress,” Mac comments later as they get into Dennis’ car.

“I know, dude.”

“We’ve both banged her. She wasn’t even that good.”

“She was fine.”

“Oh, yeah, totally, she was fine,” Mac quickly amends. “But she wasn’t that good.”

“Nah.”

“You only gave her one star, after all,” Mac comments.

“That’s right. I did. She wasn’t any good.”

One star. That’s right. Dennis rates all his hookups. Mac frowns.

“I think at this point everyone’s fucked her but Charlie,” Dennis says, flicking on his turn signal.

“Me you and Frank,” Mac says. 

“Nah, dude. Dee banged her too.”

“She did?”

“Oh, yeah. She told me once when we were getting high to celebrate beating you and Charlie at Chardee Macdennis. The waitress was super drunk and she was mad I wasn’t answering her calls so she went after Dee as revenge.”

“Ew, dude,” Mac says, making a face. “Two chicks banging? That’s so gross to think about. Why’d Dee do it?”

“Boredom,” Dennis answers. “And maybe she heard about how you get more orgasms from gay sex than straight sex.”

“Yeah, of course, dude, everyone knows that,” Mac agrees immediately. 

But another thought occurs to Mac. He frowns again. Never was the type who could “hide” his “feelings” or whatever.

“What’s wrong with you?” Dennis asks, side-eyeing him.

“Nothing.”

“Tell me.”

“You’re not banging me because you’re just bored, right?”

“No,” Dennis answers, laughing a little bit, dismissing the notion entirely with one syllable. 

“Okay. Cool. Good. You actually like me?”

“ _Yes_ , goddammit.”

“Nice. Cool.”

Dennis doesn’t respond. Keeps driving. Mac is quiet too for a while-- until he realizes they’re not going the right way.

“Dude, where are we going?”

“We need to get more cat food,” Dennis says as if it’s obvious.

“We’re just gonna keep that cat?”

“Of course,” Dennis says. “Isn’t that why you brought him back?”

“Yes,” Mac lies. “Yeah. Of course, Den.”

6.

They’re in the Range Rover again. Mac never said anything about it, but he loves being in Dennis’ car-- loves the way it smells, loves the way the seats feel, loves the way the road feels underneath them. Loves the way Dennis grips the steering wheel, head high, like he was born to drive this car. 

“What’re you smiling about?” Dennis asks, looking over at Mac as he makes a right turn. 

“Nothin’, dude.”

“We lost in court, bro, what are you so happy about?”

Frustrated, maybe, a little-- but not angry, Mac notes. Not boiling in a pit of rage like he sometimes can. 

(Is Mac going crazy and making things up, or has Dennis been in a much better mood lately?)

“I just kinda like riding in your car,” he says, tone almost defensive. He shrugs.

Dennis chuckles a little. “You do?”

“Yeah.”

“‘Cause I’m such a good driver?”

“Yeah, bro.”

Dennis sits a little straighter. “Well, of course you think so. I’m probably the smoothest goddamn driver in the state of Pennsylvania.”

“Commonwealth,” Mac corrects as Dennis stops at a stoplight.

“Know-it-all,” Dennis says, leaning over to kiss Mac.

7.

Drawing shitty fake abs on Dennis’s body is kind of the highlight of Mac’s life.

“I can’t get the sharpie off, bro,” Dennis says once they get home that night, wandering out of the steamy bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. He comes up right next to where Mac is sitting on the couch. “Look,” he pouts, gesturing to his stomach.

“You scrub it with soap?” Mac asks, very aware of how close Dennis is to him. 

(His skin is probably still hot. He always showers in scalding water. His face is pink from it; Mac can feel the steam from the bathroom. He swallows.)

“Yeah,” Dennis says. 

“Maybe you should get back in there and let me give it a try,” Mac suggests, trying hard to keep his tone casual. Jack Bauer hops up onto the couch-- he starts a tiny bit.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Anyway. I still haven’t washed mine off.”

“Well-- maybe I can help you with that,” Dennis says.

8\. 

Mac finishes praying. Gets into bed, yawning, reaching over to flick his lamp off. He settles against the pillows, nestles under the blanket, gets comfortable. Closes his eyes. Takes a deep breath and lets it out.

Soft rain against his window. The sound of the heater kicking on. The low hum of traffic. Just as he’s falling asleep, the door creaks open.

He props himself up, squinting into the dark. Reaches over to turn the light back on.

Dennis, standing in his doorway, his wavy hair messed up, wearing nothing but the dick towel.

They stare at each other for a moment. Dennis looks maybe twenty percent less cool than he usually does-- his features are arranged into something that almost looks like regret. Hesitation. Embarrassment. Mac blinks. Dennis almost looks hotter when he’s not bursting with confidence. 

“Get in here, dude,” Mac says, pulling down the covers on the other side of his bed. Dennis grins.

9.

“Yo, Den, what happened to our popcorn bowl?” Mac asks, frowning at the open cupboard.

“Agent Jack Bauer needed a litter box.”

“What?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Dennis says. “Let’s go borrow a bowl from my sister. We can make fun of her while we’re there. Making fun of Dee always gets me in the mood to have a good time.”

“Sure, dude,” Mac agrees, following Dennis to the door.

**Author's Note:**

> go read every fic glennjaminhow has written bc they're all amazing!!
> 
> if u have a request hmu on golden-geese.tumblr.com so i can completely bungle it the way i bungled this request!


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